Trans Lives - A Haiku

                                                       Trans Lives


Young; she suffered-silent, alone
She came to live her truth
Stalked by a man
now-dead on a slab-alone



Liz e LaVenture, Feb. 2015

Alone In A Crowd

                                          Alone In A Crowd

Alone in a city of millions,
on a crowded sidewalk.
Alone in a car at Freeway rush hour,
or dinner for one at a trendy restaurant.

I had a family; everyone does,
but I am alone in a crowd.
Concert, movie, commuter train,
does anyone see the pain?

Does anyone feel the same?
Alone in the Airport, Train Station.
Arrivals, departures, I am neither.
I wait for no one, no one waits for me.

Is it just me; can it be?
Or; are we All alone?
Each with our load to bear;
a job, a mission, a journey-to where?

Is the task so tough, the burden too great
to care, to share,
to see the other person there-alone
to give a smile, to say; Hello.

The world looks better
to me, to you
when we share
when we care.


Liz e LaVenture Feb. 2015

Life Is Poetry In Motion

Some are Dancers,
Some Gymnasts,
Some Swimmers,
or Divers.
I am a Runner.

When trained and fit
the performance, the art
is almost effortless,
a thing of beauty.
An expression of
boundless joy of life
that can't be denied!

Some of the most memorable
and beautiful runs;
were in the pouring rain,
at dawn, or dusk.
In the woods alone
on untrod snow,
or circling a meadow
where grazing deer
lift their heads in wonder
to see me glide past.

While my legs, my age
no longer allow me to create
my art, my poetry;
I see art, I see poetry
all around me in nature,
in how people express themselves;
live their lives -
Dance
Music
Literature.

Whatever your joy;
Find your joy.
Live your joy, express your joy.
Life is joy, life is art, life is poetry.
Life is Poetry in Motion!

Berkeley - Free Speech Movement

Fifty years ago, today; Oct. 1st 1964.
It all started fifty years ago today. Jack Weinberg was arrested for Tabling political literature in front of Spraul Hall at UC Berkeley. Fifty years ago today, that police car was surrounded by 6,000 people for 32 hours and prevented from taking Weinberg to jail. Fifty years ago today, the Free Speech Movement was born. Mario Savio, Joan Baez, and others emerged from the Berkeley Free Speech Movement and devoted their lives to changing the world.
I missed it by three years and a few hundred miles. In 1967, I was in College in So. Cal. and SDS had taken the place of the Free Speech Movement. We moved the dialog forward, but eventually SDS imploded, as did the movement as a whole.
There is work yet to be done, and fifty years later, we are gathering again in Spraul Plaza at Berkeley to hear speeches by those that were here fifty years ago, those that were moved by what those early activists did, and those who today have vision for the future. The movement died and direction was lost, but we didn't lose our voices. We didn't lose Free Speech, and there is still work to be done. Not everyone is equal in this society. Not everyone has the same rights, or opportunities. So; we will raise our voices today on the Fiftieth Anniversary of the Free Speech Movement. We will not be silenced - I will not be silenced until all are Free and Equal and have the same Rights and opportunities.
Fifty years ago today we were at war. We are still at war, and still being lied to. The U.S. needs to stop trying to police the world and fix it's own house.

Due To Conditions Beyond My Control

    PTSD- As part of my Therapist's efforts to help me deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, she has recommended that I cut back, or eliminate entirely following the News on TV or Online and to reduce Facebook time. Such involvement acts as a trigger to me. I have reluctantly agreed.
    I grew up watching and involved in current events. Right out of High School, I was in the streets protesting the Vietnam War. I refused to be Drafted. Up to today there is still so much that calls for action, activism, involvement, at least comment & Share online. LGBT Rights, especially Transgender Rights; our efforts and setbacks - the Horrible attacks on our Community! The fact that no Activist, or Social Justice Organization has offered me a chance to get involved; or make a difference, has left me with little option but watching from the sidelines, or online and everyday being Horrified by the attacks and inhumanity in the world - all I can do is comment and Share my Outrage online.
    The resulting anxiety and panic leads to physical symptoms. I Must take care of myself. So; to eliminate stress going forward, I will from now on, only post cute pictures and videos of cats, puppies, and farm animals. Instead of hours on the news feed, I will play Candy Crush and Farmville.
    I want to live; but, I don't want to live to regret this decision. I want to live long enough to see a better world with Equality for All, Access to Affordable Health care for All, End to War and Imperialism, Full Employment, and a Sustainable Ecology - Not too much to ask is it?
    Thank you, my Friends for all your Love and Support ~ Peace Out!!


La Liz
08/06/2014
   

Transition Thru The Looking Glass

a nod to Lewis Carroll

Used to be I'd look in a mirror
I didn't see me.
Not truly,
Not me.

I saw a young boy;
A teenage boy,
A man,
Not me.

I took a chance,
A leap
Thru the Looking Glass.
Fear was forgotten.

Clearly; now I saw
Who I was meant to be.
Now the image in the mirror
Is that of a woman set free.

Some refer to "Choice".
A "Choice"?
To be me?
Who else then would I be?

"Choice" - I beg to differ.
I call it a chance.
We only get so many.
Some go by unseen.

There is no Bookie
To predict odds of when.
Or if,
Or even success.

Chance comes to some young,
Some old.
Some get a second chance,
Some no chance.


So - When you look in a mirror
Who do you see?
Is that truly you,
Or someone other looking to be free.

Liz e LaVenture
June 3, 2014

                                        When Identity Becomes A Slur


     How do I 'identify'? I must state initially that I find the object in the question as posed problematic. The nature of the problem will be revealed as I continue.
     I am a woman. That is my declarative statement, simple as that. I 'identify' as what I am. Of course; there is more to the story, there always is.
     You see; when I was born I was not 'identified' as female by those that make these decisions. Doctors, my parents, the Church-'identified' me as a boy. When I was born (commonly, even today) medical science didn't understand that Gender is an innate sense that each individual has within themselves. Gender cannot be determined by looking at a baby's external sex organs/genitalia. The aforementioned medical science and that of psychology refer to someone like me as Transgender, a Transgender Woman.
     Transgender is a modifying adjective; it does not define me, it is not what I am. I am a Woman. Now; historically, a segment of the LGBT Community has thrown about the word - "Tranny". For better; and usually worse, society at large is familiar with "Tranny". Jerry Springer and more recently, RuPaul have thrust the word and it's connotation around the world via the media. Looking back historically again; if I may, in the early, emerging LGBT Community "Tranny" was used in a campy context. Drag Queens, early Transgender individuals, and many others either referred to themselves, or said to each other such things as: Oh! You're such a "Tranny". The word; and others we don't have room for here, also took on a darker side with the porn industry and sex work in general.
     Meanwhile; LGBT people gained some visibility and acceptance and Transgender women and men gained courage to live authentically and openly. We sought jobs in mainstream society. As a Community we have talents and skills all across the spectrum. Where 'identity' becomes problematic is in that search for employment; and truth be told, many every day interactions in society. Slurs that 'identify' other segments of the LGBT Community have fallen into public disfavor. They aren't uttered in 'polite' company openly. So; while there still exists undeniably discrimination against All the LGBT Community; the name calling on the street, or behind the back that formerly targeted and marginalized the L, G, and B has dramatically lessened. The Transgender Community has not overcome that hurdle as yet. Over 250 Transgender individuals are murdered each year worldwide. A frequently horrific brutal death occasionally with the word "Tranny" carved into their flesh. We are called "Tranny" by drunken thugs on the street and sometimes beaten. Many of us don't have the genetics, or resources to be assumed to be born female. Employers judge applicants on many levels and have a critical eye. In all but 13 (the count is changing) States we have no employment protection. Beyond employment, society at large grabs at a quick label, a box, to put people in. The quickest, the easiest is what they see on TV. A "Tranny" Drag Race, a "Tranny" murder-unsolved.
     The word "Tranny" is a diminutive-see wikipedia-a contraction, a lessening (lessening!) word, a modifier, and a Slur.
     So; we are back to the beginning, and you see why an 'identity' that consists of a modifier, Transgender can become a slippery slope. Once the modifier; for whatever reason, becomes contracted into a diminutive with a history of marginalization and abuse, i.e. - "Tranny"- it comes with baggage none of us wants.
     I am a Woman! I am proud to make that declaration. I am also proud to be Transgender; but, that doesn't define me or, identify me. I am a Woman named Liz e LaVenture. Simple as that. End of story.


Liz e LaVenture 5/29/2014

Elegy in Time

That was me,
That was then.
If not now,
Then when?

No, I can't go.
I am afraid!
I don't know?!
And so I stayed.

All are gone.
Some have died,
Some have moved on.
God knows; I tried!

Everywhere I go
Spirits are near.
Who was to know,
It took time to see clear.

Walk the walk
But, the heros are gone.
Talk the talk,
But, time has moved on.

Yet; here we remain.
The Earth's axis has shifted.
There's been changes; some retain.
Clouds of forboding have lifted.

They would want us to carry on,
We must not rest on their laurels.
The halcyon days are Not gone,
The future and past exist as parallels.

One door closes, one opens a crack.
We mustn't mourn times passing.
While crying and looking back,
What is in motion stops progressing.

Liz e LaVenture 5/7/14

The Seagull and the Crow

They circled in the air.

One high, and one low.

One black, and one white.

The Seagull and the Crow.

Each not noticing the other,

but lost in the joy of flight.

 

 

Their courses a concentric, breathtaking thing of beauty.

As the Crow dipped and swirled clockwise,

The Gull silently soared counter.

Suddenly; as if on cue, without a clue

The Crow turned and dove down to the Gull.

Their wings touched in greeting as they flew together now.

 

 

In tandem they circled the radiant blue sky.

They came from different worlds;

Land and Sea, Black and White.

Yet; as they flew in the sky, they knew

From the eye of a Crow, or that of a Gull

We're all in this together, one world after all.

 

 

As I watched, they flew together

One Black, one White; as one.

They dipped their wings in salute.

They circled toward the West.

They then circled no more, but flew out to sea.

Perhaps the circle had expanded to cover the world.

 

 

As if by design, their wings flapped in time.

Black and White, up and down, as one.

They headed out to spread the word

To encompass the whole world

Bird, Fish, Mammal, Plant, or Human

All part of the same,diverse life on this one Earth.



Roots

I pen these musings with apologies to Alex Haley and Mark Twain, who never actually said; The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Roots was written by Alex Haley. I am no Alex Haley. I am just a woman who came to St. Louis not knowing what she would find here.
Twenty two years ago I drove a U-Haul truck filled with a lifetime full of 'stuff' from L.A. to St. Louis followed by a car driven by a wife with two kids, a dog, and more 'stuff'. I return to California after passing through the crucible of the Gateway City. I have shed a facade and a family. I emerge purified, and authentic. I carry less 'stuff' and I am returning to California, San Francisco, by plane.
What are roots? I find roots in front of me, I have roots behind me, and underneath me. If you dig in a garden, you find the roots are interconnected. One plants roots weave and twist together with it's neighbor's roots. I found just that sort of interconnection here. There are ancestral roots; Mother, Father, and their fore bearers. There are geographical roots. There are roots of identity. Roots may be as much about where you are going as where you have been. Roots are seen to be what is true and authentic. Roots are underneath, at the core, they are the base from which each life grows and blossoms in it's own unique and individual beauty. Roots are support and the LGBT Community of St. Louis has been that for me.
I leave St. Louis, but I take my roots with me as I plant myself in San Francisco. Those interconnected roots will take hold in soil that is at once old, and new. I return to California, to San Francisco, where my parents first lived in California. I leave St. Louis where my ancestors lived beginning in 1830. I return to California, a woman fully aware of my roots, my connections, my identity. I am proud of who I am and where I come from. I know where I am going and I have a purpose. Thanks to all who have knelt beside me and helped me dig at my roots. Your help has been invaluable, and at the same time, you are my roots. I will write down more of my thoughts about roots, about digging in the dirt of my soul as I touch down and replant those roots in San Francisco. Home is where the heart is. I leave a piece of mine in St. Louis.

Liz e LaVenture

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Yes, it is a song by U2 that commemorates a horrific day forty years ago, to the day. On, January 30, 1972, which really isn't that long ago, the British Army began firing on a peaceful march in Derry, in occupied Ireland. Twenty-six unarmed protesters were shot by the British Army, fourteen of which died. Two were injured when they were run over by army vehicles. Five of the wounded were shot in the back. Following a twelve year inquiry, The Saville Inquiry was made public June 15, 2010. The report found that all of those shot were unarmed, and that the killings were, "unjustified and unjustifiable." The British Govt. apologized, 38 yrs. after the fact.
The dead:
John Duddy, 17yr. Shot while running away.
Patrick J. Doherty, 31yr. Shot from behind while crawling to safety.
Bernard McGuigan, 41yr. Shot in the back of the head while helping Patrick Doherty.
Hugh Pius Gilmour, 17yr. Shot thru the elbow entering his chest as he ran from the troopers.
Kevin McElhinney, 17yr.  Shot from behind while crawling to safety.
Michael Gerald Kelly, 17yr. Shot in the stomach.
John Pius Young, 17yr. Shot in the head.
William Noel Nash, 19yr. Shot in the chest.
Michael M. McDaid, 20yr. Shot in the face walking away from the troopers.
James Joseph Wray, 22yr. Wounded, then shot again at close range while lying on the ground.
Gerald Donaghy, 17yr. Shot in the stomach while attempting to run to safety.
Gerald McKinney, 34yr. Shot right after Gerald Donaghy, he was running with his hands up, yelling "Don't shoot. don't shoot!!" He was shot in the chest.
William Anthony McKinney,27yr. Shot from behind as he attempted to aid Gerald McKinney (no relation).
John Johnston, 59yr. Shot in the leg and left shoulder, he wasn't even at the march, but walking to the park to visit a friend.

No British soldiers were wounded or reported any injuries, nor were any bullets, or bombs recovered to back up claims that they were fired upon first.

Notice the ages of the dead. The vast majority were teenagers, just kids. All were either running , or already prone on the ground and unarmed.

Why is this important to us in the U.S., forty years later? Northern Ireland is still occupied with an uneasy peace. Great Britain of all world governments most resembles ours. Both countries are ruled by an anglo-saxon hierarchy, both are uneasy in the face of protest, even if peaceful and legally sanctioned. In 2012, times are hard, the economy is bad, unemployment is at record levels, 1% of the population holds a preponderance of power and is unresponsive to the 99%. Many are denied their rights and due process. In sum, forty years is not that long ago....and not much has changed. I just pray there aren't any more Bloody - any days!!

Random musings from a muse.

Since I was a child it has been difficult to get close to people, or for them to get close to me, which is it? Perhaps it is the fire I have inside, I have a fire - a passion deep inside my core. Since I have begun living my authentic life, the fire is more focused and burns with a white-hot heat. Perhaps, people are afraid of getting burned, but the fire is contained and controlled and gives out only warmth and comfort. Humans have used fire for good since, well, time began. The only way someone would get burned by me is if they tried to silence me, or demean me, or push me aside. It would be like trying to stop a brushfire with a gardenhose. I will be heard, I will make a difference! Alone, my fire may burn out, it will change the landscape before it does though. But -imagine what we can do together!

Creating Change

Change was in the air.
The streets were empty,
no one was there.
Then torrents of rain came
there was no one to blame.

I was all alone
there was no one to talk to-
no one was home.
Still, I knew my goal was true.

I waded across the flooded street
searching for someone like me.
I didn't know who I would meet
but I knew I was finally free.

It's hard to create change alone.
Two hands are better than one.
Several voices create harmony.
United, we can be free.

Welcome to my World!

I am not the first, or only Transsexual Person to document my journey. There are several autobiographies, movies, reality shows, talkshows. Transition is a personal experience, it is different for everyone. All I can do is share my personal experience blended with philosophy I picked up along the way. For example, "I am convinced that the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folk are like leaves of a tree and live and die unnoticed." - The Scarecrow in "The Marvelous Land of Oz" by Frank L. Baum
Also, I have come to realize recently that it is through challenges and tests that we learn and grow. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." In another aspect of my life, I was able to qualify for and compete in the Boston Marthon by training,challenging my body, adding milage, tempo, terrain.The challenge I am now taking on is by far more daunting, but is so much more rewarding. I embrace it and welcome it. The rewards already are incredible. I lived my previous life because I thought it was expected of me. But it wasn't me. It wasn't true. My body and mind are now one. It's like the experience of running on one leg, knowing you are missing something and then given the ability to run on both legs with the Whole world open before you.
I am getting involved in the Transgender Community. I am ot sure yet what my contribution might be. But I want to help others, to help young people so they don't feel they have to wait till they are as old as me to Transition. We have a place in society, and we have a right to be ourselves. There are something like 40, 000 Transsexuals in the U.S. Imagine if we all used our voices!? I will also be working on the LGBT History Project in St. Louis. We need to be proud of our achievements and give them a wider audience. This is my first Post (Aug. 3rd, 2011

Off the Top of my Head

This new life is just that, a new life, but I have already learned a few things. Carry yourself with confidence and pride. It was a long journey just to get to the open door, now walk through like you belong there, because you do, you earned it the hard way. Anything less, and there are those who will question your right to be there, or even exist. If you are self-conscious, insecure, doubtful there are sharks in the water that will sense your fear and attack. Because that's what they do. Verbal, emotional, physical attacks. Remember, you have a right to just be you. It is a great self-affirming awakening to shed pretensions, disguises, and the training wheels and take the real you for a glorious ride. Remember the handlebars are yours, you own them, you have control. Take the road to where you want to go.
"You've ( I've ) come a long way, baby!" But there's a whole long, beautiful, road ahead. You'll fid me on that road with eyes wide open!!


Posted on transcendentalexperience Aug 5, 2011

When (if) I grow up

Some people choose what they will be when they grow up. For some, it's chosen for them, by a parent, family business, etc.
I didn't choose to be a woman.
I was born with that choice made for me by nature, by chromesomes, or hormonal imbalance in the womb. The process isn't fully understood. It is what it is, and can't be denied. here is no finishing school, proving ground, or apprenticeship. Real Life Experience - just being - is the only way to learn.
When I first started this journey I had an ideal imagining of the woman I would be, or wanted to be. Well, nature/genetics with the judicious use of hormones has it's own idea of what kind of woman I will become. It's not what I imagined, but on the other hand, I am happier, and more comfortable than I thought ever possible. Liz is NOT a 'new' me. Liz was always there. The artiface, pretense, layers of disguise, deceit, and denial have fallen away.
Like a newly healed wound, or a muscle strain, the me I am now is tender and raw. I am building strength and learning to use my body as I move through - for me - uncharted territory.
The journey is like skydiving. It's only scary until you take the jump, from then on it's amazing and the view from here is transformative!


Posted on transcendentalexperience Sept. 18, 2011

Three legged Stool: Acceptance, Passing, and Authenticity

It is generally true that most people want to be accepted. It is hard-wired into our nature to want to belong. Homo Sapiens is a social species, after all. It can be scary to be alone, and it gets cold 'outside'.
The difficulty comes in trying to be what, or who, we are not. A sense of inner-conflict arises with reprecussions to physical and mental health. If someone is accepted by the dominant society they are said to 'pass' and are given entre and entitlements. Now let's add the third leg to the stool, authenticity. Being yourself, 'presenting' to society who you are in fact, brings confidence, creativity, clarity, and an ability to give 100% to your efforts. Fitting in is comfortable, there is no denying that. The sense of belonging is all warm and fuzzy. But do you fit in? Do you belong? Only you can answer that from deep in yourself. You might say, "Yes, but at what price?" Consider this; all the truly great people stood out. They weren't afraid to be different, to think differently, to do different things. Inventions, cures, discoveries, great literature were all achieved by doing something differently. The people who are responsible are judged 'great' and put on a pedestal (stool?). But if they didn't step out, or stand out, no one would ever have heard of them.
So, to have something to sit on that is solid, and whole, a pedestal is just a fancy stool, you need authenticity. Without it, you can balance for awhile, but you will fall. With authenticity you can build and grow and reach higher. Athenticity is more than 'warm and fuzzy'. A person that is authentic is complete and is whole and is proud. To me that is much better thasn a passing grade.


                                                                                  1st posted Oct. 26, 2011 on Transcendentalexperience.